As November comes to a close, as does my 38th year on this planet, I am happy to say that I have much clarity again. The clarity that comes when Jesus touches your heart in that special way that communicates, “Welcome back loved one, I missed you.” I am relieved to have made it through the storm intact, with a heart that still longs to be near to Jesus, and a deeper understanding of his love for me, for us.
These past months God has been tearing me down and building me back up again primarily around the idea of expectations. I thought that if I did “A” then God would do “B.” As I moved through the motions of living a “good Christian” life and then ventured off and lived a life of my own choosing for awhile, I realized that God wasn’t doing what I thought he should, and quite frankly, I was pissed. I was literally in the boxing ring with God, fighting him at every turn about his unfairness. As I boxed, and boxed, and boxed….I became exhausted – emotionally first, then physically. I have not been quite so tired in a long time. Why wasn’t he blessing me? Why was life so hard all the time? Why was he not giving me my hearts desire? Wasn’t I good enough for him to bless me – just a little?
Honestly my exhaustion and anger led me to take a drastic step – go to a counselor. Some might not think this drastic, but I do. I have been so careful to keep my heart focused on the bible, biblical counseling, and talking to God and friends. Those things weren’t working though, an in my desperation I reached out to one of the counselors that works at the college where I work. It was quite by accident actually. She walked through the door of my office and God said, “ask her for help.” So I did. Turns out she is a Christian and one of the first things she suggested is that, if nothing else, I start and end each day with a simple prayer. That was it – it was all I could muster in my exhaustion.
So those counseling sessions and reading a book titled “The Pressure’s Off” helped me see something. God doesn’t work like a formula. He doesn’t promise that if I do “A”, he will do “B.” His plans and ways are higher and better. He does not want me to live a particular way so that he will bless me. He wants me to seek him and only him because I love him. He wants me to let go of my limited expectations for my life for his higher, better, more loving, and more adventurous plans for my life. He does not want me to try to control my circumstances but thank him in all of them no matter the outcome – good or what we perceive to be bad. In other words he wants me to live in freedom – the freedom that comes from allowing him to be in control because he is much better at it than I could possibly imagine.
So, as December arrives, I am able once again to be grateful for his provision, for his love, for his sovereignty. As I let go of what I want for my life and grasp his with anticipation and excitement, I am grateful for all that he has already done. For the hundreds of ways he has blessed me so completely. Just a few – for wonderful, strong, Christian women friends who point me to his love; for connections with old friends like Mike, Ken, Molly, Chris, and Emmett; for new, sweet friends like Dan who love Jesus too; for friends like the Turners that allow me to live with them so that I can take care of my finances and from whom I’ve learned so much. Finally, I am grateful for being new in Jesus and the continued work he does in me because he loves me.
With gratitude and love for my sweet Savior –
Sue
